I DIDN'T GET TO SEE MY DYING DOG ONE LAST TIME

As you may or may not know in my divorce my ex got 2 of the dogs and I kept Sexie. In the past, if he allowed it, whenever I got to town I would try to make arrangements to see the dogs. Earlier on he would usually be somewhat accommodating. Lately I've had to jump through hoops.

So over the weekend I was in Portland for my best friends wedding where I was the maid of honor. Like I mentioned in the last blog when I learned that the one Dog Oscar had bone cancer and wasn't doing well, I asked to see him. My ex screamed and threw a tantrum like a little kid before saying I could but, it would be on his terms.

Then I talked with the new fiance who at the time seemed fine with it. So over he last couple weeks I tried coordinating a time so I could see them. My ex just kept blowing me off. Saying, "Erin I don't know if I'll even be in town. Call me later." So, the next week I call again to check in and see if he knew his plan. Again, he acted as if I was inconveniencing him and still didn't know if he would be in town. He said, "Erin just call me when you get to town."

So, Wednesday I get into town late and Thursday morning I call him. "Hey it's me...just trying to plan out my day a bit and see when you have time so I can see the dogs." NO RESPONSE! I call an hour later...NO RESPONSE. I send a text an hour later...NO RESPONSE. Obviously, he's avoiding me. So later that afternoon around 2pm pacific time I call him from my friends phone and guess what...HE ANSWERS!!!

I said, "Hey it's me."
HIM: "Um...hang on a second...I can't talk right now Michael Jackson just died!"
ME: "Really? Wow...well when do you plan on calling me back?"
HIM: "Uhhh...NEVER!"
ME: "What? Really?"
HIM" "No...but the only reason I answered the phone was because I thought you were someone from KATU." Click...

Needless to say he never got back to me. Even more amazing is the fact the my ex husband apparently has the skills of Nostradamus and can predict the death of Michael Jackson. After my very brief conversation with the ex I told everyone at the house that MJ died. Then, I talked to my girlfriend who called and I talked with her for about 5 minutes. After that, I turned on the TV to see CNN reporting he was in the hospital under cardiac arrest. NOT DEAD! WHATEVER...I know he eventually dies...RIP MJ.

The next day rolls around and I decide I'll try calling the ex again to see the dogs. I mean Michael Jackson is done being dead. So I call him around 8am...nothing. Left him a message. 9am rolls around so I call again. He answers. "Hey I'm just calling to see when I can see the dogs."

HIM: "you can't see the dogs."
ME: "Why not...you told me I could."
HIM: Because I don't think it's appropriate and she's(the fiance) not here."
ME: "But she even said I could."
HIM: "Well sorry...but you're not seeing the dogs."
ME: "So Why would you lie and say I could...What's the big Deal? This isn't about seeing you anyway...I could give 2 S#!$ about seeing you...take them over to Dave's house.
HIM: "Sorry Erin...you're just gonna have to deal with it...Sorry."
ME: "You're not sorry...Why are you being so selfish? I just want ot see Oscar!"
HIM:..Sorry ...click.

So, then I call the fiance to have her talk to him since she said it was OK....right? No Answer...So I leave a VM. I said how I was in town and wanted to see the dogs and I was told I wasn't allowed to...and I was really disappointed since I wanted to see Oscar one more time before he dies. I sent her a txt...cuz I thought my phone cut out during message. I basically reiterated that I just wanted to see the dogs and to call me back. NO RESPONSE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!

The next day is the day of my friends wedding. We are busy the entire day taking care of things. While I'm at the reception...I get a txt message back from the fiance. It's says and I quote, "I am in STL for an intense wedding weekend & I'm sorry I didn't respond to you Yesterday. You called/txted while I was at the spa. Apologies.

OK...seems nice BUT...read between the lines here. 1. Intense and spa...don't go together. My first thought was intense...wow that's pretty dramatic! And what does she think I'm in Portland for..a relaxed wedding? I'm the maid of honor...I mean, we're not just sitting around getting our nails done all day. So you're not the only busy one honey. #2 Notice how there's no mention of the dogs what so ever? No..."I'm sorry you couldn't see Oscar." Which tells me this. That she all along did NOT want me to see the dogs and just didn't have the balls to say so. Hence, why I get this fake I'm sorry text. It's too bad she didn't have the maturity to just respond or call back with..."Hey...sorry you can't see the dogs. For some reason I can't handle it."

Instead, I get a fake, insincere apology from a girl that likes to have control. Does she think I'm an idiot? And with that fake apology...you do not have me in the palm of your hand like you like to have my ex. Sorry, I can smell fake from a mile away. If she was really sorry she would've made mention of the dogs...but no...the entire message was about her, and how busy she was...sound familiar?

So needless to say, I'm sad and mad. Mad because there were 2 selfish people that couldn't get over themselves for 10 minutes to allow me to see the dogs. And I'm sad because, The dog I ADOPTED 7 YEARS AGO (NOT HER...LONG STORY) will pass on because of doggie bone cancer and I never had the chance to give him one last hug.



Oscarkins...You were a great dog...even though you would sometimes growl when I would hug you too tight..I will miss you. I will miss how you would howl when a police siren would go by. I will miss how you were just fine sleeping on the floor when the girls took all the space on the bed. And I mill miss the times in the car when you would stick your head out the window with the wind flapping your ears and jowls when we'd go for a ride...and how excited you'd get when you'd hear just the word. Oscar, I'm sorry I never got to say my official goodbye to you...but just know that when you are in heaven...you'll get your leg back so you can walk little kids across the street on all four legs.

...

Love you

Your 1st Mommy...Erin

HOW DO YOU WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN?

Ever since my divorce I've let my ex husband continually get under my skin. At first it wasn't all the time. Although lately, especially since his engagement, he has been even more horrible to me. He just has had a very bad attitude. I just don't understand why it's acceptable to treat that way.

I sit here and think of all the truly horrible things that he has either said to me or the horrible way he has treated me over the years. DID HE EVER BEAT ME? NO...but, was he ever a truly caring husband...the answer is NO to that too. I guess I always hoped that he would be nicer to me once we were divorced...like "Hey she's not my problem!" But that's not at all what has happened.

I almost feel like a battered wife because the very few times I speak to him now, I keep hoping that he won't be irritated or yell at me. I hope that he'll actually be NICE but, most of the time, I some how irritate him and he either yells at me or tells me he's too busy and can't talk to me. I feel like I walk on egg shells when I deal with him. I'm afraid that no matter what I say I'll piss him off.

It was the same when we were dating, engaged, and married. I remember calling him up during the day to see how his day was and he's answer and say "Erin what do you want I'm really busy right now?" I would quickly Say..."Oh...sorry I just wanted to say Hi and see how you were." He would then tell me "I'm slammed I can't talk now!" Oh...OK. Why did you answer then? You know what's funny? I now ask everyone I call if they're busy when they answer because I've been trained like Pavlov's dog!

How about the times when he would tell me about his escapades with girls after we got divorced. Either they were "F*$& Buddies" like he called the 1st one...or the one that when he broke things off with then he called and told me that "they had a LOT of sex...I mean A LOT...I know that doesn't make you feel good Erin but, it's true." All the while when we were together...well you know.

Or how about when he told me that the dog we had together had to have a leg amputated and had bone cancer. I called him a few days later to ask a favour. I told him that I would be coming to town to visit a friend in a month and wondered if it would be OK to see him. HE STARTED SCREAMING! "I KNEW IT.. See this is the reason I didn't want to tell you that Oscar had cancer because then I knew you would want to see him!" I couldn't believe my ears. I thought I was making a reasonable request. I thought maybe the fiance had a problem...so I said..."hey bring her along." He wasn't having any of it. After I cried because I just couldn't understand why and, my feelings were hurt...He finally said..."FINE!...But it's on my terms...when I want and where I want!" I agreed because I just wanted to see Oscar.

I simply don't understand how you spend 8 years of you life with someone and they treat you with absolute disrespect and can be just plain hateful. I also don't understand why I can't just write him off and say "Erin, he's never gonna be the way you want him to be." He's never gonna be nice to you...he's never going to go out of his way."

I always thought that being friends wouldn't be this hard. Someone recently asked me "Erin...what will it take for you not to get bothered by him?" I told him that all I want it an apology..for him not doing his part on being a good husband." they said..."Erin that's never going to happen." I said.."Well then he's gonna have to get hit by a truck!" HAHA..of course I was kidding...kind of. But I sometimes wonder...When will my ex not bother me anymore? How do I truly get over all the things that I feel he failed me on? How do I erase the words that he said to me that I hear over and over again?
I need to hit an erase button in my head...but how? I'm sure he hit his. Actually, I'm sure he thinks that he was a good guy all along.

You know...He told me once.."Erin I'm an a$$hole you're just gonna have to deal with it." I guess he wasn't kidding.

MY LIFE IN LIMBO

So right now I have no idea what's going on. My lease is up on my apartment and i need to be out by the end of the month. I'm suppossed to move in with my friend to save money but now I'm up for this job in Texas and who knows what will happen there.

It's a good problem to have but it's very stressful.

So Saturday I go back down to Texas for round 2 of iterviews. I'll e gone till Tuesday night. then, on Wednesday afternoon I leave for Portland to be in my friends wedding, and I don't get back till late Sunday afternoon. So when am I supposed to move my stuff?

I figured this week would have to do. I thought at first I should just move all my stuff into storage...then I thought wait, "So I'm going to pay someone to move my stuff into storage and then someone to move it out of storage." So, the best idea i came up with is move all my items into a POD. Pay some guys to pack it...PODS will store it and then i can figure out where I'm going to live...and if I need to they can move the POD to Texas.

So what about my girlfriend? She's going to move her stuff into her boyfriends place till she knows if I'm staying or going. AHHH! I feel so bad! I feel like I'm inconvinening everyone. My girlfriend, my friend that's renting his condo to us, my neighbor who's letting me use his driveway for my POD...(it's a long story).

All in all, I know this is a nice problem to have. I could have a really great job pretty soon. I just hate not knowing where it will be that I lay my head down.

MY INTERVIEW WENT....???

Well let's stat off with GOOD! My interview went well. Now going down there and coming back got all screwed up but, while was there things went really well.

One thing that I always knew but was reaffirmed while I was there was how small our business is. The guy that I was interviewing with interviewed my ex-husband just recently. Funny thing is, when he came across my stuff he had no idea that we were once married. Then once we get to the station I meet the guy that got the job instead of my ex, who happened to be the Program Director of the competition of my ex while we lived in Portland. That same guy was born and raised in Waukesha!!

Also wheile at the station I met the consultant of the station who I've heard about for years. When I introduced myself he immediately asked me "You worked in St. Louis right?" Apparently he remembered me on the air there and thought I was pretty good. I was floored. Not only sis he know who I was but thought that I was good too.

I then met the GM. And he knew my Gm from when I lived in Austin, TX...who I loved. My Gm in Austin was named Dusty. Dusty was the nicest GM I've ever worked for. He had candy on his desk, he was so easy to talk to and not intimadating at all.He'd shout the S#!^ with you in his office. He's just one of the warmest people I've ever encountered in this business. Too bad he's not in it anymore and there's not more people like him.

Overall, all of the people I met were really nice. Not to mention, I can tell I'd like living there. There's so much to do and the area that the station is in seems to be an area where there might be some people around my age. OH! And the weather!! Hello! It might get too hot sometimes but I'd rather see sun and hot temps than clouds and cold temps.

So moral of the story, I looks like I'll be going down there again in about a week to do a try-out. So hopefully it all works out. Hopefully I do well, and if they offer me the job, they pay me enough to live and maybe even buy a little something for myself...like a condo. That's another benifit...Houses and condo's are WAY cheaper there.

So, I'll continue to think positive and pray that I have this in the bag.

LADIES...LET YOUR INNER MAN OUT!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to act like a guy? What would it be like to be afraid of commitment and use that as an excuse to remain single and not be attached to just one guy? Or how about not returning phone calls back because you need your "alone time?" What would it be like to play the game?

I know a guy...wait I know A LOT of guys that could be considered shady. Let's start with the one that comes to mind first. This guy uses the excuse that he's screwed up in the head so that he doesn't necessarily have to commit. In fact, this guy is so smooth that he had one girl out of town that he dated and continued to bone chicks here in Milwaukee. ON A REGULAR BASIS...God knows what/who else when he was out of town with the boys!!!

Now, I don't think I could pull off such an act but, now that it's very apparent Milwaukee will not be my home for much longer as well as my decision not to date anyone seriously, I've wondered can I act like a guy?

You know how guys seem to have the revolving door of girls? One girl this weekend one girl the next. Or better yet, like the guy I know, have the regular one and then get the freshies on the side. Could a girl get away with that? Can girls NOT get away with it because guys can tell...because they do it all the time? You know, like they smell one of their own.

What about when guys have a girl around that they know they're NOT going to keep around long term. And they have sex with her, hang out with her, meet her family, all the while they are completely UNATTACHED to her. They might feel bad hurting her feelings when it's all said and done, but have NO interest in her what so ever. Yet, they have to have her around. What would it be like to be so unattached?

I'm starting to wonder if all of us girls have a little man inside of us. I think I may have a little man inside of me. Not like the guys I know. I mean they're like LEVEL 10...I'm like level 2...maybe. I'm thinking that if I were to start hanging with someone just to pass the time that I could stay unattached.

Typically I wouldn't be that girl. I'm not wired like that. But right now, I know I'm moving, just not sure how soon or where. So I think that I've mentally prepared myself so that I can't and WON'T get hurt. You know, act aloof. Like you REALLY DON'T CARE!

Granted, acting like a guy would get old and frankly I'd feel really dirty. So I don't suggest that behavior for a long period of time, but the part where you don't seem to have feelings would be interesting.

IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS...I HAVE AN INTERVIEW!!!

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'RE STANDING STILL?

With the beauty of having websites like Facebook and Myspace you get to keep up with friends in your life. Lately I've been keeping up with friends I haven't seen in awhile. One thing that I'm starting to notice is that every one's life is progressing, yet I feel like I'm in a weird holding pattern.

With all of my girlfriends here in town having boyfriends, I've noticed things in their life are progressing. Things seem to be moving forward. They spend their time with them now. They make their plans with them. While, I spend more time alone. Oh well, right? It's the nature of how things work.

Then I found some old friends and co-workers on Facebook. Some of the girls I knew were already divorced, remarried, and had babies. In fact, At least 3 girls I knew were either pregnant or have kids now. Let's see Erin...yep...not even close to having that happen.

I see with some of my friends that they're progressing and they've moved up in their job or switched jobs. And here I am, trying to figure out if I'll find a good job before next May. I feel as though I have nothing to update people on. "Yep, everybody...still single...still looking for a job...and yep still sleeping with my dog." At least I can look forward to the fact that Friday I have a job interview and and it could mean I'm progressing in one area of my life.

Obviously, right now I'm focused on work and where my next opportunity will be. How will I support myself? Will I be able to afford to buy a place or should I just rent? Will I live there for longer that 2 years? These are the things that I worry about. BUT...I can't help but feel like I'm behind.

I feel like my life is in a weird holding pattern and everyone else around me is moving forward with their life and I'm stagnant. I'm playing this weird waiting game. I'm waiting to move for my next job and until then...I'm stuck. I'm not able to move on with the rest of my life till I know what happens.

As much as I'd like to have the next chapter in my life going (boyfriend, married, house, blah blah blah), I feel like I can't date anyone seriously because I'll be moving, and let's face it...long distance doesn't work most of the time. I also feel like I've exhausted all the dating resources in this town anyway. Most guys that are from Milwaukee..never want to leave Milwaukee. And for me, staying isn't really an option. Sure, I could find a job doing something other than radio or TV. But, I'm not ready to get out of the business yet so, why should I stay? I have no boyfriend, No prospects for even a date, so what's the point.

I know deep down that the decision I've made to not date or attempt it, is the best one for me right now. I need to focus on Erin and what's best for her. I've lived most of my life following someone else around. I just hope that once I figure out where I'm going at least I can get the rest of my life going. Before I turn into the 40 year single chick like in Sex and the City!