Tuesday, November 25, 2008

WHAT VERSION OF SOMEONE DO YOU GET?

One thing that is hard for me when you break things off with someone is when they move on. Well, at least that's what's hard for me. And it's not because I'm not over them specifically it's because I'm not over their actions or in actions. Let me clarify.

For instance, when I was married there were certain things that my husband wouldn't do. One of them was working out. I gained some weight while we were married and thought he might find me more attractive if I lost 1o lbs. I decided I wanted to join a gym and asked he wanted to join with me. He said "No way...It'll just go to waste, I'll never go." What happened after we got divorced...he joined a gym and starting doing all the things that I wished he would've liked to do while we were married.

Now he has a girlfriend and things are pretty serious. I sometimes wonder if she is getting a better version of him than I had. Does he treat her better? Does he appreciate her? Or does he act just the same? I do know that he tries harder with her than he did me but maybe he learned that to keep a relationship going it takes work and it's not easy.

Then I think of one my more recent exes. His fiance dumped him. I thought when I met him that he was fine. Then, after a few months of dating he freaks out telling me that he doesn't want to be tied down. Although, now he's dating some college girl. They're actually spending Thanksgiving together. Now granted, he only dates this girl because at the moment it's easy. I mean, she goes to school 2 states away. It sure is easy having a girlfriend when you don't have to see her everyday and spend time with her.

I'm not sure if either one of us girls got the better version of him. Maybe the fiance is the one that did. All I know is that, at least the college girl didn't dumped by him with some lame line of "Erin you're great...I'm just f-ed in the head...I don't know what's wrong with me." RRRIIIGHT!!!

Now for the latest causality. I think this person is a good person and I can see him being a great boyfriend. He's very affectionate and thoughtful. I mean, what guy actually offers to massage your feet? NOT MANY! Problem is is that his last girlfriend did a number on him. Cheated on him, broke up with him, begged him back. This constant emotional tug of war. When I met him I thought he was over her. He told me he was. Then he started acting flaky. Come to find out there's more going on in his head than I thought...more than he thought. So I know that I didn't get the best version of him that I could've.

Why is it that when we enter a relationship we don't always give our best self? Or do we and that's just the best we have at that particular moment?

Monday, November 24, 2008

TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE AND BE THANKFUL

In the recent days I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I do have a lot to be thankful for I know that but, I also feel a little lost. Now granted I'm partially sad because it's that time of the month but I'm also sad because of all the stuff that's going on.

To start off this whole job thing is weird for me. Granted, I'm in a decent spot at the moment but I'm scared to think of what's next. I'm about 90% sure that I'm going move. Now moving doesn't scare me because God knows I've done a fair amount but, it's all that comes with it. What job will I end up taking? Where will I move? Will I even like it there? Will I get any friends? Will I make enough money to live on? Will I even like the job I get?

Some people live in the same town and have the same job for years and years. I haven't had that since I was a kid. I know life is about change and nothing stays the same but I'd like to be somewhere where I call it home...at least for more than 2 years at a time.

The next thing is guys! I just can't seem to catch a break here. I go from an ex boyfriend that breaks up with me because he doesn't want to be tied down but now dates a girl in college to a guy that goes MIA. I thought things were going good. My friends all thought that he seemed into me but now I haven't heard from him in 5 days now. This isn't the first time he's pulled this. The last time I didn't hear from him he forgot his phone at work but even after he got his phone back he didn't try to call!

What upsets me about him is that I told him about my past experiences with people I dated and my ex's and he thought I'd met some doosies. He said "Erin I can't believe all the jerks you've met, I'm not like them at all." Really? He's proving to be one of the worst. What kind of person would completely disregard the person they're dating feelings? I sent him a txt telling him I was feeling a little down over the weekend and I never heard a thing back...not even a "sorry I'm busy" txt. The only excuse that is acceptable is that he is in a coma or he died. Nothing else makes sense.

And to top things off, the ex boyfriend stills calls me at about 2 am on the weekends. Gee! Wonder what he wants? Doesn't he have some really lame college girl to tag?

I know things could be so much worse. I know that. Sometimes I just feel a little lost. I sat at breakfast with my friend and I started crying because I felt like I may not have a purpose. I don't know where I'm headed and if I'll ever have what I want or deserve in life. Will I ever have the career I want? Will I ever feel appreciated? Will I find my purpose and do I have one?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

WHAT LIES AHEAD

I appreciate all the kind words, people concerned and wondering what happened to the station as well as the show. In a time where things in your life are uncertain it certainly makes one feel good to know that people are thinking about you.

As many of you know that WKTI is no longer, which means so is the show I was a part of is no longer. It's sad. I felt we were starting to really make some head way but I've been in this business since I was 18 so I'm not shocked by the events that have transpired.

The days after this all happened I think I was in shock. Thursday I went to bed at 9:30 and didn't get out of bed till the next day at noon. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I felt lost. I woke and still wake up feeling as though I've lost a piece of my identity. I mean I now know how an actor may feel when they get written out of a script. Sure they have money to live on for a while but what's next? That's how I feel. I'm not really sure what's next.

Will I be able to stay? Will I have to move? At this point I have my thoughts but to be honest I have no idea what direction I'm headed for. I will be thankful because this situation for me could be so much worse. I could be out on the street without a safety net. That is not the case. Although, what I'm currently doing won't last forever and I need to start really thinking about my future and what it holds. What direction does Erin want to go?

Do you go for what you really want to do? Or do you go for what may be open at the time? All I know is that I need to think and maybe even do some praying to help guide myself in the direction that I should take. I'm very thankful that I'm ok for now.

Thanks