Tuesday, June 17, 2008

SHOULD I START THE PROCESS OF DATING AGAIN?

After the break up with Mr. X I decided to take a break from dating. Here's why. I thought I found this great guy who seems to have it all together. He seemed into me, he got along with my friends. Seemed to have a good heart and willing to compromise. He seemed to be a good package. I really couldn't say anything bad about him, and all my friends loved him. They thought we were so cute together. Some I think were a little envious. Then out of nowhere, this "NICE GUY"decides he's changed his mind and that 'He has issues'. So after having this seemingly "NICE GUY" do that to me and changed overnight...I decided I was not ready to go back out there and mess with the riff raff. Putting myself out there was too scary.

I got to thinking over the weekend maybe I should at least keep my eyes open. Now, I need to make this clear that I am in no hurry to find a guy. You know, at least see what's out there. So yesterday, I put my profile back up on MATCH.COM. I mean, why not? Mr. X hasn't held back from putting himself out there again. I know that for a fact. I don't think he's dating anyone but I wouldn't put it past him to have already had some dates lined up in the week after we broke up. Who knows maybe more. (REMEMBER...guys move on very quickly...faster than you think)

Here's where things will be a little different. When I met Mr. X, I probably put too much stock in MATCH.COM. I checked my profile all the time. This time it'll be a tool but not the only tool. So, I've decided that my single girlfriends we need to get out more and be more active. Meet people possibly the old fashioned way. I would prefer not to meet someone in a bar but I did meet Sean sort of that way. And that lasted a year and a half.

I have to say that over the weekend a couple of my friends decided to go to the Brewer game on Saturday. I was looking cute (if I do say so myself) as we all were and we were getting attention left and right. We got free tickets to the game from some guy walking by. As soon as we walk in the stadium a group of guys stopped and told us that were the hottest girls they've seen in Milwaukee. They ended buying some beers and wanted to hang out later. Then as us girls are walking around Miller Park another set of guys stops us. One of the guys said to me "You are hot blah blah blah...where are your guys...how come you don't have a guy? That girl has a guy!" I then told him that "maybe you should ask the guy that broke up with me 2 weeks ago!"

What I'm trying to get at is that it felt fantastic getting the attention. I'm not going to lie!! I mean, I'm a fresh back on the market after a break up with a guy that couldn't appreciate the great person and great catch that I am. (too bad for him he'll probably... settle with someone that's not as good as me!!) So there I decided maybe it was an o.k. idea to turn the radar back on again.

Right now I'm slightly bothered but I must confess and be a catty woman for a second...Here I am a woman looking for a man ready to at least consider a relationship...if it leads into something long term that's great....but I will so mad if the guy that has commitment issues and the guy that is trying to find himself gets out there and finds someone before me. I'm ready for it!!! He's NOT!! LBS!!! WTF!!! He even said so...unless he's just saying it because he has no idea what else to tell me.

I know that dating and finding someone won't happen overnight. I know that I may not get any dates with people worth dating for months maybe longer. My best GF hasn't dated anyone for a year and half she seems fine about it, and I'm not the girl that dates just to date. I don't need a free meal that bad. I am pretty picky...although I wonder if I need to be pickier!

To be honest, good quality people are hard to find and I won't date non-quality people. And if that means I'm alone having Erin time and time with my friends then that's pretty good too. No one really likes to be alone but I won't get into a relationship just for the sake of having someone around.

Friday, June 13, 2008

ARE THEY JUST BEING NICE???

I'm a person that has a hard time saying no to things. Problem is, I go along with something, and when it really bothers me (or I've had a cocktail or 2) then I speak up. The reason sometimes I don't speak up is because I'm being nice.



I started thinking about things recently that have bothered me. For instance, when I call say an ex-boyfriend, does he only call me back to be nice or does he really want to talk to me? Sean and I talked the other day and we were catching up on things, and comparing dating stories of match.com. It was good to know I wasn't the only one having dating problems. Here's the thing...I wondered if we would even keep in touch if it weren't for me reaching out? I feel like I'm always the one to reach out. Granted he usually gets back to me but I wondered if he did just to be nice?



I'm a girl that likes to keep in contact and have a friendly relationship with ex's. The problem is that I feel like I'm always the one to reach out. I start to wonder am I the only one that cares? Do these people ever wonder how I'M doing? Do they ever wish to catch up? Grab lunch...hang out? How come they rarely reach out?



A recent guy I dated told me that he still wants to be friends and still wants to hang out. Is he just being nice? Although I've ran into him a couple times...we've yet to hang out. We talk occasionally but, I'm more of the reacher outer. I think he's called me once to see how my weekend was. I know he doesn't need to call me back, which he's pretty good about but, I wonder if he would ever call just because. Just because HE wanted to see how things were. Would he ever call because HE cares?



I know I'm guilty of being to nice sometimes. For instance, I had a couple guys ask me on a date recently and I would say " oh oh..umm...sure!" even though I didn't want to. Why? Because I didn't know how to say "no thank you". See...now I can say it! Why couldn't I have said that awhile ago?



See, there's a part of me that I don't like. I sometimes don't like the part of me that cares. I'd like to know someone wants to know how I'm doing. How was my weekend? "Hey Erin, you wanna meet sometime for lunch?" Yet, I'm the one that keeps in touch. It's a little frustrating but what are you going to do?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

IF MEN WERE LIKE PUPPIES!!

This will be a silly blog.




If men were like puppies...


(the only action I'm getting these days)




Their breath would smell good



Their kisses would always be so sweet



When you came home they would be so happy to see you



They would always want to give you attention



They would love to snuggle with you



If they pee'd on the floor they would feel bad



If they woke you up in the middle of the night it wouldn't be to pick them up at a bar



They would be happy with whatever you fed them



They would never want to leave your side.





Tuesday, June 10, 2008

" THE ONE" IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING?

In my last blog I talked about guys over thinking marriage and "THE ONE". This is something most girls don't say. The girls I know don't believe in "THE ONE". Most girls believe in "the man I'm going to marry". I personally don't believe in "THE ONE." I'll tell you why.



When I was younger I never dreamed of getting married like a lot of little girls. In fact, when I was a teenager I never thought I would ever get married. Only because, I never had a boyfriend in high school or college. I mean, for Pete's sake my prom date had to be convinced to ask me!!! Guys weren't interested in me. Whatever! So, when I met my ex-husband I was new to the whole relationship thing. It may sound weird but he really was like my 1st real boyfriend. We dated for 3 years before getting married. Obviously, love and appreciation grew as time went on. Then, we divorced...so he's not "THE ONE."



Now that I'm divorced and back on the dating scene I'm learning so much. I meet some guys off MATCH.COM and I've had a few dates.(I don't date Cha-chi D-bags) All were nice guys but most I didn't feel compatible with. I didn't get that spark. One person I did feel that spark, so we dated. It was pretty good. I think it was cut off a little too short but what can a girl do?



Where am I going with this? Well as you know, I dated Sean. We were compatible. Perfect...no. Now, if I didn't get this job here in Milwaukee and I got the job in Dallas would we still be together? Maybe. Would I have ever married him? Not sure. We'll never know. What I'm saying is..is that there is more than 1 person in the entire world that you're compatible with. More than 1 person that you could marry. So, if we are capable of that why do we call it "THE ONE?"

Is it because it's THE ONE you marry? If that's the case then I'm toast! I already blew my wad if we're going that line of thinking. Heck...50% of men and women in America blew their wad too!!! God knows, I never intended to get divorced but people change and grow apart over time.

Guys in general men are commitment phobic. In my mind, that makes them have this odd sense of what you should feel if you were to marry a girl. That feeling I think that they are looking for is almost like the light bulb went off. I don't think guys are wired to date girls and fall in love and envision their life with this woman....like us girls do. I think men all look for the RED neon sign with the arrow.

I remember asking someone who had been married for 40 years, how do know if you should marry someone? They said that no one is perfect, and you need to find someone that you're compatible with, and the things that you don't agree with or differ on, decide if you can live with it.

Moral of the story is this, I believe that there is more than person you could marry. More than one person that you could spend your life with. With that said, how does anyone ever decide on just one person when so many of us choose the wrong person to marry in the first place? Maybe because love is blind.

Monday, June 9, 2008

OVER THINKING IT!!! MEN DO IT TOO!!!

Over the weekend I had an Epiphany. I don't know how it all started but I had a major breakthrough when it comes to men, women, over thinking, and marriage! I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner.

I have a several guys friends that are commitment phobic. Most of the guys I've dated are commitment phobic. And there the guys that I meet out and about that are commitment phobic. I know, you're thinking "Erin knows a lot of commitment phobic guys." Well, here's the thing. Guys are only a piece of the puzzle here, but they are a very significant piece...you might even say a GRANDE piece.

So let me move to the ladies. Women typically are the ones ready to settle down. Women are famous for wanting to get married. Now, let me make another observation about women. As women, we love to over analyze things. You might even say we over think things. I know it's true with me. I over analyze things people say to me, how someone looks at me, what they meant in an email, why didn't someone call me back. You name it I think about it.

With all of that being said, I noticed that there's one thing women tend not to over analyze. That would be marriage. In my observations and in talking to people, I have discovered that women will date someone, fall in love with them and then if everything goes well, they'll marry that person.

Here's where I think it's different for guys. And I have several different examples. Guys can date a girl, fall in love with her, and then say to themselves..."Am I really supposed to be with this girl?" "Is she really THE ONE?" So, even if they love her and they ask themselves that question...they think she must not be "THE ONE" if I have to ask myself that. Then they break up with her. "I love you but I don't think you're the one...I don't a future with you."

I recently met a guy who is a little older and has never been married. When I asked why had he not married yet he said "Well, there was this girl in college I should of married but didn't and since then I haven't liked anyone as much." I'm pretty sure that when I dated someone he compared to his ex-fiance. Almost like "I like Erin but...I don't have the butterfly's I think I should have like I did with my ex so this is going nowhere."


I had one of my very good guys friends tell me that he was going to pop the question to this one girl he dated and decided not to because he didn't get that feeling he thought he should feel if she were "THE ONE." What's with guys and "THE ONE?"

What does "THE ONE" even mean? Are guys looking for the butterfly's? Are they looking for a girl that agrees with everything they say? They need to agree on everything all the time? They need to let them do whatever they want? I'm not sure why guys are so focused on "THE ONE." I can't remember ever hearing a girl I know say that she was looking for "THE ONE", she would usually say "I want to marry him!" or "He's going to be my husband!" or "I hope I find my future husband." All of the girls that I've talked to about this agreed with me.

Like I said before, I think men expect the heavens to open up, angels need to sing, butterfly's should be in his tummy and there needs to be big bright red neon sign with an arrow pointing at the girl for him to marry a girl. Where women just date, fall in love, and get married. It's the one thing that we tend to not over think. We don't look to see if he has one toe longer than the other, we just love the person and visualize what our life would be like if we were married.

So why do guys over analyze marriage? Are they ahead of the game? Or do they over analyze so much that they end up making a decision that's the best one because their judgement was clouded? Do they over analyze because it's the commitment phobic part of them?

I know what I think.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

DO I HAVE A BIG "D" ON MY FOREHEAD?

The other day when I met with out Life coach Melissa Malueg she asked me how I thought my divorce affected me. I never really thought about it before but I do know that I am a little self conscious about it. I can't really explain how I'm self conscious about it other than now that I'm back in the dating world I wonder if guys look at me differently...especially if they've never been married. I never dated a guy that was divorced but I have dated several guys that were engaged and I never thought twice about their failed relationship.



When I dated Sean and I would spend time with his family and I would get weirded out if I had to mention my ex for some reason. Like when they asked who my dog stayed with while I was there visiting them. Although, I never thought they were the type of people that would judge me I just wondered if they had some sort of disapproval.



I know that with some of the recent people I dated who were all engaged at one time or another, some were completely cool with my being divorced; while others I wonder if they deep down had a problem with it. They never said they did but, I wonder if there a was a lack of them taking me serious because of my divorce. Almost like they didn't want to consider me as a possible mate because I had been married before.



I probably look way to into it but, I wonder if anyone looks at divorce as a strike against you? I know I would probably worry if I dated a guy that was married a couple times or even engaged a few times, but if it's only once I probably wouldn't think twice.



So do you think people look at divorced people differently? Granted I don't have children, so that may make it a little different for me, but I wonder if I've been judged because I maybe got married a little too young and things didn't work out as planned.

Does being divorced really even matter to people? And if it does...why does it?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

MILWAUKEE'S SUMMER BREAKUPITIS

Last night I went to dinner with a few friends and there were a couple of guys there. As always the subject of dating comes up. All my friends and I are single. I chime in with the "what does this mean?" line of questioning to the guys. The guys stated that for some reason the men of Milwaukee will break up with girls around summertime so that they can play the field and do what they want with no strings attached. Funny thing is, this isn't the first time I've heard about this.

I was talking with my guy friend Joe, who mentioned this same exact thing. I couldn't believe it. What is with that? He said, that he knows it sucks but for some reason guys around here get weird around the summertime. He said he sees it all the time.

My friend Rachel said the same thing too. She even knows of a women that did it. So is this really happening all over Milwaukee? Are women getting dumped for the sake of men and their Summer freedom?

I know when I told my other guy friend Roy that Mr. X and broke things off that said to me "I'm sorry to hear that but there will be tons of single guys out there now, now that it is summer!" Seriously? Do I really want to date a guy that feels the need to be single in the summer? Say we date through out the winter and then he gets the itch again to put out his feelers...so to speak?

So does Milwaukee really have SUMMER BREAKUPITIS? How do we stop this before it becomes an epidemic??

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU...OR DID YOU DO IT TO SOMEONE??

Sunday, June 1, 2008

CHANGING MY SADNESS TO HAPPINESS

With this latest breakup opened the flood gates on my feelings about these others. When the situation with Mr. X was getting weird that last week I called up my ex-husband to get his take. He and I remained good friends and over the past 2 years we were actually getting along well. Well his MUCH younger girlfriend had a problem with us talking. So the day Mr. X broke up with me...I called the ex-husband to let him know and his girlfriend made him tell me that we are not allowed to speak anymore.

Now lets move on to Sean. I sent him an email to give him and article I think he'd like to see for work. We had small talk in emails, "How are things", blah blah blah. Well he informs me that he has been dating a girl for a couple of months. I then checked his MYspace page and he took down my picture. All on the same day. I knew at some point that he would start dating and that my picture would have to come down but I thought maybe not all at once.

Then I get an email from someone that reads my blogs. Basically telling me that maybe I can't find a guy because there is something WRONG WITH ME!!! Maybe I'm the one that's all screwed up. Not that guys I'm finding. I usually would just blow that off but after the breakup and then other 2 things I started to really feel crappy.

Well today I had a meeting with our Life Coach on the show Melissa Malueg. We ended up talking for over 3 hours. We talked about the laws of attraction and making changes in how I think and feel about myself.

One thing that struck a cord with me is that we can control our feelings. This especially stuck out for me because when Mr. X and I had our after breakup talk he told me that his feelings had changed in a week and he can't control his feelings. Well according to Melissa we CAN control our feelings. Our thoughts feed into our feelings and we can control it. For instance, if I have a thought that I"m not good enough, that will probably make me feel bad.

So for Mr. X and his feelings, he maybe felt that 'I like this girl but I don't feel the same way about her as I did my fiance when we were dating 2 months...so that must mean we're not meant to be.' When really, everyone is different and not all relationships are the same. That doesn't mean you're not a match it means the situation is different.

Or maybe he liked me but he felt as though as was a distraction to his race and time with his friends and remembered how when had a fiance how that ended up, and was determined not to let it happen again for fear of it ending the same way.

I learned today that our experiences of the past should not dictate our future. We should learn from those experiences but not let it ruin our future happiness. So today I need to change my thinking. Even though, I've had my heartbroken a few times and have felt rejection, sadness and hurt, I will let these experiences teach me something instead of holding me back from being completely happy.

I can only hope that Mr. X can realize that whatever happened to him with his ex should not rule his thinking in relationships. He can look back and say 'I was hurt but I'm ready to move forward and be truly happy and not let what happened to me ruin my future relationships.'

I know that Mr. X and I made a pretty good couple. Funny thing is, he even said that after we broke up. So, I don't think I'm crazy for feeling and thinking that way. Maybe someday he'll realize that I am a pretty good catch and we were pretty good together and that whatever mental blocks he has, maybe had something to do his thought we should breakup.