Monday, January 28, 2008

OVERCOMING MY FEARS...TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT!!

I went to church yesterday and the sermon was about overcoming your fears. A lot of people are scared of speaking in front of people, heights, death, and spiders. Really, the list goes on.

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of not feeling accomplished, afraid of not making something out of myself, afraid of settling, afraid of getting hurt and afraid of being alone. Which is something I think a lot of people are afraid of.

As far as not feeling accomplished or making something out myself, those two things go hand in hand. I was pretty poor growing up and I never wanted to be like that ever again. My dad always was down on himself because the things he wanted to achieve in life haven't happened. My father is great at drawing. He has designed greeting cards that are actually really good. He would always send them to companies hoping that someone might buy them...but no one ever did. He was so discouraged. I think he may get discouraged easily...which sometimes I feel like I get that from him.

I know that I want to look back on my career and life and know that I accomplished most if not everything I wanted to. Although there's a saying that if your professional life is going good your personal life will suffer and if your personal is great your professional life will suffer. I know that has happened to me or has affected me in some way.

In the past 2 years I've suffered some heartbreak. Not just once but twice. With my divorce came many questions within myself. It's weird to think that the very thing I sought out and wanted would cause me pain. That I would be the one left with questions vs. him. He seemed to have never flinched with an once of emotion. I take things very very personally. Some people get over things quickly without much effect, I internalize. I still struggle with my questions and I work on them daily. I need to work on them so that I don't let them effect any future relationships if there end up being any.

Then after my last relationship failing I have a fear that I may never find someone that won't end up hurting me. Emotionally of course. I started to put myself out there and go on some dates but just have never really felt good about it. Like I said before, the few dates I've had have all been with decent guys just not right for me. Then again, I think I'm just not ready.

I'm so afraid that I'll put my whole self into something or someone only to have them get bored and leave. Or better yet, and this happened to me, I'll end up putting more of myself into the relationship than they do. which is never good. So, I just don't even want to try. At the same time, I get lonely and would love to have someone in my life. But there in lies my fear.

I go through moments when some of my fears don't even phase me. Then other times it just hits me. I mean, are these things that I should really be scared of? And how do you overcome your fears? I know I won't overcome my fears overnight...but where do you start?

How do you overcome a fear of something that's intangible?

Monday, January 21, 2008

ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT ONE OR JUST AT THE RIGHT TIME?

This is kind of complex thought...but let's give it a try. And this whole idea popped in my head because I was talking with...a guy...and he was talking about his plans for the future. He basically had the next year and half of his life planned out. He was doing big things with his career, then he was going to travel, and then come back get married and have a bunch of babies. Well, he's not having the babies obviously it's whomever he settles down with.

That entire conversation got me thinking. When it comes to relationships and marrying do we really find the right one or do they just come at the right time?

I know for me, when I was younger I had mapped out my life somewhat. Not to the point of that what age I would get married and have kids but, I definitely had goals of what age I wanted to accomplish college, careers steps and that sort of thing. I'm not in the norm for most women. I could be wrong but, I think a lot of women have this age in their head that need to get married by and have kids by and if that doesn't happen, they go into panic mode.

Guys are different. I think a guy would let the woman of his dreams slip away because he would rather spend time meeting his "sales goal for the year". Or they would rather climb the corporate ladder til they feel fulfilled and then...look for a girl of his dreams. Once that happens, he goes into panic mode and settles for the next best thing around. Women are different, I think that a woman no matter where she is in her life, if she finds the right guy, she'll juggle him with the career and make it work.

I can think of so many men that make me think this way. CAREER THEN RELATIONSHIP!

I think I fell victim to this line of thinking. I think Sean did this in a way. Although, I'm sure there was something else I just never was aware of. When we broke up, to me it wasn't because we weren't compatible. Sure neither of us were perfect but I thought we were pretty good as a couple. I think we both learned things from each other. I think part of the reason we broke up was because of our careers. I know that when we dated I took a back seat to a lot. He had one major priority which was his brother.(which I completely understand) His other priority was work. I think he thought of me sometimes as an after thought. Like I think most men do. WORK WORK WORK then..."Oh Yeah, I have a girlfriend maybe I should call her."

Now Sean had an itch for a career change and then I got this job in Milwaukee out of nowhere. Til then, I had actually been looking to get jobs in Texas to be near him. He got a job and he wasn't going anywhere and we weren't any closer to being together. When it boiled down to it...careers were more important. I guess maybe for both of us.

So, when do you stop planning out your life and start letting it just happen? If more people just let their heart speak a little, would there be less divorce because then we might find our true match vs. someone that came around when you thought you were ready for them?

Does this even make any sense or am I the only one that feels this way?

Thursday, January 17, 2008

.... I'VE TURNED INTO ONE OF THE GUYS... I'M NOW.... "THE BUDDY"!

I've noticed a recent change in my social/dating life. I'm becoming "THE BUDDY"! I mean for Pete's sake...WE MIGHT AS WELL CHEST BUMP...& SMACK EACH OTHER ON THE BUTT LIKE SPORTS PLAYERS!

Now I will say that I still try to maintain a friendly relationship with the ex-husband and ex-boyfriend. I talk with both of them from time to time. Getting and giving updates about life, work and whatever.

I really noticed this trend a couple weeks ago. As you know I'm starting to get myself on the dating scene with little results. But now, some of he guys I've gone on dates with I'm now "THE BUDDY". In some cases I don't mind. In fact, 2 of the cases I think we are much better suited as friends.

CASE #1
I had gone a few dates with a guy named "Roy". Our dates were fine, he's a nice guy. Maybe a little shy at first. Once he opens up a little he kind of funny. So, at about the same time we both decided that we would be better friends. And I can honestly say that we are just friends. I actually think we are really good friends. He has listened to me cry, he has heard my complaints about dating, we go to workout at the same time, and now have tried going to church. We talk and just shoot the sh@t. It's really nice.

CASE #2
Next, is a guy I met off Match.com...let's call him "Dr. Pepper" . Again a nice guy. I think part of the reason this didn't work is I thought he might've wanted to move faster than I was ready. I didn't talk to him for a few weeks and then I got a call right before my trip to Paris. He wanted to wish me luck. (which was very nice) Since then I've talked to him several times. He called me last week to get my opinion on him taking a job in Chicago. He told that the dating scene is a little rough for him and wanted to get my thoughts. He ended up taking the job and is putting his house on the market and if it doesn't sell wants me and my friend Melissa to rent it! SO MY BUDDY AND POSSIBLE LANDLORD!

CASE #3
This is maybe a little different because this guy I believe thinks of me as a sister. I actually had a dream that he did...shortly before I broke it off with him. I just started getting this feeling that he wasn't that into me and to honest, he wasn't treating me that well anyway. So I put the kabash on it. Since that has happened, we've talked several times, and even for several hours. He has even tried giving me dating advice.

and finally...

CASE #4

Now this guy, I've never actually gone on any dates with. I'm the girl he wants to meet up with on the weekends while we're all out. I know that he's attracted. He's even told he is/was. Although, I'm not the girl that he ever takes out on a date. I'm the girl that he meets up with in group settings. I know( he's just not that into me!) I get it. It become perfectly clear the other day when I realized how much he was trying to impress this other girl. I also started noticing that he treated my friends just like me. But...then he'd send text messages that would suggest otherwise. Now, I could've read too far into all of it but every girl I know and guy that I've asked has agreed that his txt's were flirtatious and they would've taken it the same way as a I did!

I feel a little foolish on this one but whatever! You live, learn, and move on. There's always another fish coming up stream. (Does that sound like Dr. Phil?)

I know that it is get to have friends. I've meet some great girlfriends since I've moved here...and a lot faster than I thought I would. I very pleased with my girls...Melissa, Colleen, Rebecca, Kristie(my landlord), Erin, Jessica. I've met Tamra, Tara and I'm sure just more to come.

I just find my new found "BUDDY" persona a little weird. Why do I end up being "THE BUDDY"? Am I just that girl? I don't know where to begin with this situation. I don't even know what questions to ask.

I know...I'll ask the guys...What makes the girl end up being "THE BUDDY"? Is this a compliment or a slap in the face? Like you're good enough to hang out with but just good enough to date?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

LADIES...GUYS DON'T GIVE A CRAP IF YOU HAVE YOUR STUFF TOGETHER!!!

Ever since I was a little kid I have been career motivated!! I knew from the time I was in the 1st grade that I wanted to be on TV or the radio. I had dreamed of being a newscaster as a little kid. Over the course of time, I decided I would be better suited displaying my personality. I wanted to see how far I could go with my career. A couple of years ago I decided that if I really wanted to take my career to the next step I needed to do morning radio...which is what I do now.

I always thought that a guy would appreciate a girl who has goals and knows what she wants in life and knows where she wants to go. I've decided that MEN DON'T CARE!!!

I know I'm not perfect. I know that I could have more money saved up. I could do more charity work. I could this and that...in the end GUYS DON'T CARE!! You could be a girl serving fries at McDonald's and a guy would ask you out! You could be in debt up to your eyeballs...guys don't care. You could have no motivation but just be pretty and guys would like you.

My friend Melissa and I were talking about how we don't get it! We are both have great careers. We have our own money and make decent money. We pay for own things, we aren't in debt. I think we're pretty funny, we're not horrible to look at, and yet, none of it even matters!! THE PACKAGE DOESN'T MATTER!!!

I was talking to a guy last night and he said that "If a girl has her stuff together it's just an added bonus." He would know too. One of the girls he recently dated had a less then desirable job...yeah! I don't need to say more. And here's me...another girl he had dated and yet he said I was "too put together" "Maybe you should tone it down." So what, I should dress like a slob, quit my career so that I'm an easier catch?

So why do I even bother?? What is the point of me trying to be this complete package..when a guy would just as soon date you as the girl that cleans his trash can at work? Since when is it a bad thing to try to be THE COMPLETE PACKAGE? The girl that has it all!

It's funny, I was talking to my ex-boyfriend Sean the other day and we briefly talked about how dating for me here in Milwaukee is hard. He had mentioned that he had gone on some dates but it's nothing that was ever going to go anywhere. Then I said how he had it a lot easier...He lives in a much bigger city(Dallas)with a lot more to choose from. And guys just want a girl that's cool and cute. Now he's a little different bacause he's pretty picky...actually really picky. I digress anyway, where as a girl looks for the complete package in a guy. He needs to have goals, a decent job, attractive, good to you, and depending on if you're a gold digger or not...you want the superficial stuff too.

Girls typically want the guy that looks good on paper...when all a guy cares about is if she looks good. Sometimes I don't think you need to be cute...maybe just the path of least resistance. I mean I'm sure that guys want you to be somewhat of a challenge...just as long as you don't challenge their masculinity! Remember, guys like to be in charge right?

In the end, I feel like you could be a mindless twit, just getting by...but as long as your cute you'll be fine. And the more you have your stuff together the more it hurts you. This mentality sends women back 150 years!!!

If I'm wrong and there are men that appreciate a driven woman with a plan and a passion I'd love to be set straight on this!!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!!!

After my trip over to France for Christmas and since I had a lot of time to think I thought about the things I'd like to different in the new year!

While over in Paris, my communication with other people was low. I didn't know how to speak French and when I thought of saying anything I thought of things in Spanish. So I was talking to my friend Melissa and we decided to take Spanish classes. I took Spanish in high school for 3 years...needless to say I need a refresher!

I also decided that there are things about myself I need to improve on. I feel sometimes I have a lot to work on but we'll start with just a few to focus on. First, is to be more comfortable in my own skin. What does that mean exactly? Being comfortable in your skin includes being satisfied with your body image, your personality, your skills and abilities, your past, and even your limitations.

I know that sometimes I have a hard time with my past. Since being divorced I've become a little self conscious. Worried if someone will like me or not because I've been married before. Will they hold it against me? Now, fortunately I have it easier than others. I don't have children which I think at times people sometimes judge a little more harshly. At least women do in my opinion. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a guy say he wouldn't date a woman with kids, guys don't seem to get that too much.

Of course I need to work on the body image thing. I know I maybe thin but with that comes somethings that I pick apart on myself...such as my boobs or the lack there of. Ever since I started going through puberty my boobs have been an issue for me. My past long term relationship with Sean I felt fine. He was always great at complementing. I never worried about them when we dated. Since then, because I'm back out in the dating world I feel like I'm in middle school all over again. I feel like I'm dealing with a bunch of pubescent boys who are obsessed with boobs. Ladies there really is NO such thing as a BUTT MAN...no matter what they tell you!

I also want to deal with being comfortable with my personality. Which is funny I feel like I need to work on this since I get paid for my personality. So why so I need to work on this? One thing, when I got divorced I asked my ex why he never really tried to make things work...his answer...he didn't like my personality. That hurt...actually it still hurts. Who knows, maybe he said it because he was hurt...not sure.

Even though my last boyfriend said he loved my personality even when we broke up (hopefully he wasn't lying) I still wonder why things didn't work out and think maybe it was something wrong with me. So I just need to focus on the fact that I have a great personality and someone one day will love all my quirks.

I also want to be more comfortable with being alone. This means a couple of things for me. I've lived by myself probably more than a lot of people but a lot of that time I was in a relationship...a lot of it even long distance. So I need to be OK with the fact that I maybe alone for awhile and I may not have anyone around. Obviously no one really likes to be alone but I need to make sure that I have the right people in my life and that I don't include someone that isn't good for me just because I'm lonely and bored.

I also want to plan another big trip by myself. Maybe to South or Central America...test out my Spanish for awhile. Or maybe go to Australia!! I've always wanted to go there! the last thing I want to work on is saving money!!

Wish me luck in 2008 on a new and improved self!!

Monday, January 7, 2008

DO YOU MAKE A LASTING IMPRESSION?

Have you ever taken the time to check out CRAIGSLIST.COM and go to the MISSED CONNECTIONS section and looked to see what people think they missed out on?

Every once in a while I'll check it out to see if I was ever the girl that some guy spotted while I was pumping gas in my sweatpants. But it's never happened. I wondered had anyone ever felt that way about me in my lifetime. Not knowing what I do for a living or who I am. Did anyone ever come across my path and think something great about me but let the opportunity pass them by? Sometimes I wonder about the people I know that I haven't talked to in awhile. Do you ever cross their mind and if you do what do they think about? And if they think about you, do they have good thoughts? What if?

I have noticed that a place to get spotted is Pick and Save! It's actually quite funny to see what people notice. For example, if you're a check out girl some place, you've got a pretty good shot of something. Or even if you're at a coffee shop you may want to act cool. It just is so funny to go through and see what people notice and what they are attracted to. Who is the person that they missed out on?

I thought about it a little more. Over our lifetime we meet so many people that we cultivate relationships with. Some are good and some are not. Some are short lived and some last a lifetime. I often think about people I've met and wondered whatever happened to that person? Where are they now? THANK GOD FOR GOOGLE SOMETIMES!

I know girls often think about about their ex's and wonder about them. But have you ever met someone randomly, maybe just in line at the grocery store and wondered later "I wonder what their story is?"

In that few moments that you meet someone, do you make an impression on that person? Do you leave a mark on them?

Sunday, January 6, 2008

DATING BUT YOU REALLY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP?? WHAT'S THE POINT??

As of late I've come across several guys who will "date" girls yet both of them have said they don't want to start a relationship. Both of them have different reasons for not getting in a relationship. One says that he's going to travel for 6 months so he sees no need to start something while the other says that he needs to get himself financially set and make a ton of money.

Here's what I don't understand...and maybe this is just me here but, if I'm not ready to be in a relationship I wouldn't really date and I wouldn't go "bowling" with people. Is that the difference between guys and girls? Do these guys "date" just to fill time?

Now both of the guys I know have been somewhat honest from the beginning with the girls that they're dealing with but, they still go on multiple dates with the same person, they "bowl", they do it all. What I don't understand is what are these girls thinking? What is going through their minds? Do they know that nothing going to happen and they're o.k. with it or deep down do they hope for something more and they'll just be patient? Wait around?

Every girl I've talked to said that if they weren't ready to date...they WOULDN'T!! They would just go out with the girls and their radar to the opposite sex would be turned off. Yet, guys have no problem having these short term surface relationships... I mean, what it the point? Is it only to fill a void for a short amount of time? Are these guys themselves afraid of a deep relationship? There's a part of me that feels that guys are always looking for the "GOOD FOR NOW GIRL". Almost a matter of you're the "wrong girl at the right time".

I'll tell you some of the excuses they came up with.
A. "I like out and meet new people"...real meaning: "I like to keep my options open."
B. " Well I'm not going to be my own fun police...real meaning: "I have needs...you know!"
C. "I've been hurt"...sorry don't buy it.
D. "I've always been in relationships I don't want to get in another one right now"...real meaning:..."I'm having fun playing around and trying different flavours."

I just don't understand the emotional detachment that men have sometimes. You know, the thing is, the guys I discussed above aren't the only ones like that. I think that's a given. You know, I may sound as if I'm being a little harsh and really I'm not. I'm just a little confused. It's a completely foreign concept to me. If I it were me I wouldn't want to waste the other person's time.

I know after my last relationship I was extremely cautious (and I still am) about dating anyone in particular. I never wanted to give the wrong idea. There were certain things that I would not do. I had a set of rules. Now since the breakup I've only had a few dates, and at the moment there's nothing in the pipeline. No dates and no prospects. I feel like sometimes I could be ready for something else but then when i get out there and see what there is to offer I feel like maybe i need to think about it a little longer. I know I may get lonely at times but I feel as though, I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where the odds are not in your favour.

I will close with this. That the 2 guys I discussed here, one of them I think he is truly a good guy. I think he puts on a player facade. He has great human qualities. He is a caring person. He does a ton of humanitarian work. I just don't understand the player part. The part that acts disconnected emotionally. The other guy puts on a bunch of fronts. I also think that deep down he has a good guy in him but I feel like it's going to take some time before he knows it's there and is ready to share it with people. So in the mean time, he'll figure it out and have fun to his standards til then.

MY CHRISTMAS IN PARIS

It may be a little delayed but I wanted to tell you how my trip in Paris was. I saw so many interesting things, meet some interesting people and learned some things along the way. The first day I was there I just walked around. Up and down the streets. At first I felt slightly overwhelmed. Listening to everyone around me and not understanding anything. The next day I went to The Louve and Musee D' Orsay. The Louve is huge. I didn't care to see everything there. The main things to see are the Venus and The Mona Lisa. I walked around look at various paintings and statues and then I walked down the Seine River and went to the D' Orsay.



I'm a HUGE Vincent Van Gogh fan. I get the calender every year with the artwork I have student made painting in my apartment of his work. I love it. I was so excited to see his paintings up close.



When you watch this video... I for some reason shot things sideways...That wasn't smart. I spent my Christmas at the Eiffel tower. I walked there from my hotel. It was a long walk but worth it. I can't tell you how excited I was to see it up close. When I walked around the corner and there it was... I squealed like a little kid. It was awesome!! I took so many pictures. Here's one.



I met this great family from North Carolina that in a way adopted me. they invited me to a cabaret with them. They invited me to dinner and then they trusted me to take their 16 year old daughter and her friend into a night club there. I felt so old in there!! Here's what that looked like.




Yeah..men or boys in Paris are a little on the skinny side. I like a boy with some muscle...that's not that easy to find.

The same day i went to the Eiffel Tower I walked to the Trocadero and to the Arc D Triomphe.


In the evening they light the tower up and it's so pretty. At the top of the hour they make the tower sparkle!! I tried for so many times to capture the perfect picture of the tower at night. Here's a few.





I took a train ride outside the city to Versailles. This is where the palace that King Louie lived in. The grounds are beautiful. I can only imagine that in the summer that place is simply amazing. The only thing is...taking the tour is a long process. Getting my ticket took an hour..then waiting in another line to get in took another half hour. Then you get inside it takes a second to get round people because there are so many people in there.




There are so many more things I could talk about or pictures to show you. I had such a great time. There were times for sure where I got a little lonely. I would spend an entire day maybe saying 100 words and never actually having a conversation. There were times where I got a little sad because I sometimes wished I had a guy there. I'm in this incredibly romantic city and I'm walking around watching other people holding hands, kissing and enjoying each others company. I will say it would've been nice to have that but I didn't let it get me down. I spent so much time running around soaking it in that I never had an opportunity to dwell on it.


Over all it was a great experience for me and I'm now trying to figure out where to travel to next...even if it's by myself again.